


Humerous Rubber Novelties For The Diskerning Gent or Laddy

by oneatatime



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:07:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26461654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneatatime/pseuds/oneatatime
Summary: "Funny, really, Esme," she murmured, as she bustled around with the tea, the sugar (knowing she was getting older, she'd cut down to nineteen teaspoons) and the cups. "All these years, and there's nothing really in Lancre that can really put us off. We've seen too much. Oh, I'm not saying they don't give us some trouble now and then, but you and me, we gots it all together. Young Magrat in the castle's doing all right, too, and that Agnes who calls herself Perditax is coming along nice. We've seen off elves, vampires..."
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15
Collections: Jump Scare 2020





	Humerous Rubber Novelties For The Diskerning Gent or Laddy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [facethestrange](https://archiveofourown.org/users/facethestrange/gifts).



"I'll put the kettle on, and we'll have a nice cuppa," Nanny said briskly as she muscled Granny in through her front door. Granny's legs weren't working proper. Nanny's legs were short, but strong, just like a giraffe isn't. 

" _Really_ , Gytha! Stop fussing-!" 

"Yeah, I dint expect this either," Nanny said, plopping Granny down in the closest chair. It was a red velvet monstrosity covered with an antimasacka- antimassacre- cloth thing. Nanny's favourite for sitting in after her bath and gumming her post-bath sweet. "Look, you know it's All Fool's Eve and that means we gets more new ghosts and ghouls and things that go 'wah' in the night. Course, some of them go 'oh crap' if you're Furlong Baker and you got a bucket stuck on your head again." 

She wasn't sure why she was expositing*. Granny made a face at her, and Nanny coughed as she took the sad little rubber cushion out of one of the sixteen drawers in her hat. 

(*probably the beans she'd had for dinner)

"Yes, yes, I knows. Not like that, though." Granny sighed. But at least she was starting to look calmer now that they were inside again. It wasn't right, Granny Weatherwax looking at all skeered in the forests of Lancre. Nothing scarier in the forests than Granny Weatherwax.

"I know it gave you a funny turn- I mean, it, er, startled you just a smidge."

"I should think I'd be surprised by one of them things. Back in our day, demons used to haunt respectable items! Clocks! Trees! Well, apart from that one time with old Gammy Backer and her guzunder. That was a difficult time." 

Nanny got the fire going, and stood up again to place the kettle on top of it. She placed the cushion thing on the table, and pushed down on it. It made a hopeful sort of wheeze. There was no smell with it, but one couldn't help but _assume._

"I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL- oh bugger, can you put me on a chair?"

Really, it shouldn't've terrifi- given Granny a tiny shock at all. Not if it needed that much cossetting just to talk.

"It wants someone to sit on it, Gytha," Granny said meaningfully. 

"Not at our time of life," Nanny responded automatically, but she placed the damn thing on her second best chair and sat on it. Hard. 

"I-WANT-TO-TEAR-YOU-LIMB-FROM-LIMB," it said in a hurried, flatulent voice. It was only tiny. Easy to run out of air. 

Nanny got up, flapped it around a bit, and leaned on it in the right spots to reinflate it. "Hang on, hang on, just a mo... You know how you'd do that as a fart cushion?" she asked, genuinely interested, and plonked herself down on it again. 

The voice was a lot more deflated this time, even tho it was inflated. "ER. NO." 

"Can you do funny voices? An assortment of animal noises?" she tried again, because hope springs eternal.* 

(*especially with bouncy shoes) 

"NO." 

Wilting somewhat, Nanny got up again, and reinflated it. 

"You can stay here, but any funny business and you're going out in the woodshed, my lad." 

"UNDERSTOOD." 

At that point, the kettle whistled, so Nanny got up to grab two cups. 

"Funny, really, Esme," she murmured, as she bustled around with the tea, the sugar (knowing she was getting older, she'd cut down to nineteen teaspoons) and the cups. "All these years, and there's nothing really in Lancre that can really put us off. We've seen too much. Oh, I'm not saying they don't give us some trouble now and then, but you and me, we gots it all together. Young Magrat in the castle's doing all right, too, and that Agnes who calls herself Perditax is coming along nice. We've seen off elves, vampires..." 

There was a knock at the door. Nanny hauled it open, and had a tiny shock of her own to see Granny Weatherwax. She turned, watching as the Granny in the chair faded. 

Esme caught her. 

"What's the matter?" she said impatiently, muscling Nanny back inside. "You look like you've seen a-" 

"A humorous rubber novelty, yes," Nanny said as she flopped down in the seat, reflecting on how she didn't need to tell Esme anything that'd just happened. Really! The nerve of that reflected thingummy! Following her into her own house! 

Wheezefart. "I KNEW YOU LIKED ME."

"Quiet, you."


End file.
